Want to Feel More Secure?

Start building relationships that help you flourish.

Some people make us feel safer simply by the way they show up.

Attachment theory helps explain why. What began as a specialized framework for understanding infants and caregivers has become part of our cultural vocabulary, shaping how we think about romance, friendship, family, and work.

You may already know the four commonly discussed attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful avoidant. You may also have wondered which one describes you.

A more useful question may be: What helps me become more secure?

In his book Secure, psychiatrist Amir Levine offers a hopeful answer: earned security. As adults, we can become more secure through repeated experiences of safety, responsiveness, and trust. Our history matters, and our nervous systems can continue to learn.

Security Unlocks the Gifts

An attachment style reflects patterns of protection we developed through our experiences of connection. Those patterns also contain strengths that can contribute to flourishing—once you have established greater security.

If you lean anxious, you may be highly sensitive to changes in tone, warmth, and responsiveness. When you feel insecure, that sensitivity can become hypervigilance: Why hasn’t she answered? Did I say something wrong? When you feel secure, the same sensitivity can support empathy, perceptiveness, and relational skill.

If you lean avoidant, independence may be one of your strengths. You can think for yourself, solve problems, and function well on your own. Under stress, you may isolate yourself to your own detriment. With greater security, independence can become confident autonomy: I can stand on my own and let other people matter to me.

If you lean fearful avoidant, you may long for closeness while fearing what it can bring. Your caution may reflect genuine perceptiveness about mixed messages and trustworthiness. As security grows, that caution can become discernment: learning whom to trust and allowing trust to deepen gradually.

Look for CARRP

Levine uses the acronym CARRP to describe five qualities that foster security:

·    Consistency: a dependable rhythm

·    Availability: being present when needed

·    Responsiveness: responding sensitively

·    Reliability: doing what you say you will do

·    Predictability: behaving in ways that do not keep others guessing

While these qualities may sound ordinary, they are actually quite remarkable. Through experiencing them, we can cultivate “earned security.”  Experiences teach us: This person shows up. I know what to expect. I can reach out. I matter here.

CARRP gives us a useful lens for examining our relationships. Who in your life is consistent, available, responsive, reliable, and predictable? With whom does your nervous system seem to unclench? Those are relationships worth cultivating.

Build a Secure Village

One of the most useful ideas we can take from attachment theory is that our sense of  security need not depend on one person. A partner, friend, sibling, coach, colleague, or therapist will each have different gifts and limits.

Think in terms of a secure village: a network of people who provide different kinds of connection. One person may be wonderful when you need perspective. Another makes you laugh. Someone else listens without trying to fix you. Another encourages you to take the risk you have been avoiding. Together, they create a richer web of security.

And consider: What kind of presence are you providing in other people’s villages? CARRP works both ways.

Notice the Small Moments

Earned security often grows through small interactions. Someone remembers to call when they said they would. A friend listens carefully. You admit that you are struggling and discover that the other person stays present. Someone says, “I’ll be there,” and then appears.

Levine calls these seemingly insignificant meaningful events, or SIMIs. Individually, they can be easy to overlook. Together, they give the nervous system new evidence about what relationships can be.

Attention is part of the process. Notice:

·    who shows up

·    when someone responds with warmth

·    when you take a small interpersonal risk and survive it

·    when you allow someone to help

·    when you offer consistency, responsiveness, and care

Security Can Keep Growing

You may still become anxious sometimes. You may pull away. You may hesitate before trusting someone. Understanding an old pattern does not make it disappear. Earned security develops as we choose relationships that support it, practice new ways of relating, and attend to experiences that show us connection can be safe.

Over time, the question may shift from “What’s my attachment style?” to “What helps me feel secure enough to connect, risk, recover, and grow?” That may be one of the most important questions we can ask about the relationships in which we hope to flourish.

Recommended Reading

Amir Levine. Secure: The Revolutionary Guide to Creating a Secure Life.